Fear…

Hmm…Fear…it makes our hearts beat faster… our palms sweat and our bodies heat up… suddenly there is a pebble that is stuck in our throat that we just cant swallow it down… our hands start to tremble and our stomach starts to churn….it then gets so intense we feel like screaming…!

 Fear makes us do many things… it is a motivating factor. It makes us do things to avoid the outcome of that fear and for the few face that fear in its eye. Fear freezes us and paralyses us…it can stop us in our tracks!

 Fear also motivates us to manipulate, push and pull situations, deceive and sometimes hurt the other. Fear is such a moving emotion that it sits right up there with Love… just that it’s on the opposite end.

 It does so much to us that it is no wonder some people are just addicted to horror movies…because horror movies constantly ignite these experiences over and over again.

 Fear has found itself a very real place in our lives. It sits with us and follows us all around like a shadow that never leaves its form. We may want to deny it but very few people can truly say that Fear has no place in their life.

 Why have we given so much of importance to Fear? Why have we welcomed it into our lives?

 As an artist Fear also followed me around. That first day of class, Fear gripped me when I saw other art students effortlessly draw while I had to draw ten times before I even got the circle right. Fear also struck me when I first had to show my paintings publicly and worst of all Fear sat with me while I sat staring at the white canvas with a roaring idea in my head but no clue as to how I’m going to translate that onto my canvas.

 But I must say, this journey into Art has taught me quite a few things and yes it is an ongoing learning process. Because in Art you are constantly up against Fear!

 An art piece moves the observer and an observer is moved when both of you communicate with unspoken words. And to do that, we need to dig deep, we need to be real… and to be real we need to peel the layers off. It’s not about the fact that we need to know who we truly are and only then we can paint but when we are on that journey, the journey reveals as we move along and this journey in itself then speaks and communicates.

 So yes, it has been tough, it’s been a constant face-off with Fear but it gets a little easier as we learn to manage the Fear. For instance I just don’t sit in front of a white canvas (this I have been taught!) anymore. Firstly, the white canvas gives the signal to the brain that there is nothing here and we need to start from nothingness…that can be scary.  So my canvas then is given a wash of orange. Orange represents ripeness… a readiness for the next moment… the flow has already begun…

And Fear that sits with me when I have a roaring idea…well I just had to stop thinking…! Yes literally stop thinking…

 I go into it without thinking and let it unfold itself, because if I do… it paralyses me… and like clockwork somewhere in the middle there will be lots of tears… the fear will creep in and many times I’ve asked myself why am I doing this to myself…but you know what… I’ve now come to terms with it…Indeed I’m mad… and insane but I can’t think of another way I’d rather be… so I learnt to manage it!

 Thinking is sometimes the worst thing that can happen to an artist especially when we are in the process… and letting go of thinking is sometimes the best way of overcoming fear! Because thinking takes you away from the glorious ‘moment’ which is happening right here and right now and takes you into a realm of the past which has its own story or a future that hasn’t been written yet and which we just cannot fathom as yet.

 But why must we have to ‘manage’ Fear, why can’t we do it another way?

There is, its just that well… lets blame it on our parents, institutions, religions, etc, etc for having ingrained Fear into us that we have forgotten our natural self but lets not go there for now.

 Remember that Fear sits on the same plane as Love just on opposite ends, so Love is also a great motivating factor just that it’s a little more joyful!

 Love to me is Surrender and we surrender when we have complete Trust and we have complete trust when we have no Fear. When we surrender to God, to the other or even to Moment we experience Love and Love has proven to move mountains and paint itself.

 To paint in joy…hmmm…that’s my quest…to move up the plane slowly to the opposite side…without letting Fear creep in…living and painting in Love.